


Screamin' At My Face, Baby, Don't Trip

by runaway_train



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Anniversary, Bickering, Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, No Smut, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 11:21:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17424923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runaway_train/pseuds/runaway_train
Summary: He’s been waiting at their table in the restaurant for thirty minutes now, already deep into his second large glass of Shiraz, when he checks his phone. No new messages. He clicks onto WhatsApp to check when Louis was last online; 3.34 p.m today. That certainly doesn’t bode well. Louis was always late, yes, but he had promised, he had sworn to Harry that he wouldn’t be late tonight. But he was. By thirty one minutes and counting.OrThe one when Harry's anniversary dinner plans don't go quite how he hoped they would.





	Screamin' At My Face, Baby, Don't Trip

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as part of the [1D Short Fic Fest](https://1dshortficfest.tumblr.com).
> 
> This is pure nonsense, like, I don't even know what to say.
> 
> I have a Tumblr which is [here](http://runaway-train-works.tumblr.com) if you want to come say hello. The specific post for this fic is [here](http://runaway-train-works.tumblr.com/post/183428297625/screamin-at-my-face-baby-dont-trip-written-as).
> 
> Title is from ['Sunflower' by Post Malone & Swae Lee ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApXoWvfEYVU)

Harry is furious.

He’s been waiting at their table in the restaurant for thirty minutes now, already deep into his second large glass of Shiraz, when he checks his phone. No new messages. He clicks onto WhatsApp to check when Louis was last online; 3.34 p.m today. That certainly doesn’t bode well. Louis was always late, yes, but he had promised, he had _sworn_ to Harry that he wouldn’t be late tonight. But he was. By thirty one minutes and counting.

Harry probably doesn’t have any right to be surprised, it’s been this way since he met Louis at university at a mutual friend’s party and fallen madly in love. However, while their relationship naturally has it’s ups and down, Louis had been upfront about his unique extra curricular activities from the get go, so Harry has never complained when it came between them and their plans. Tonight was meant to be different though, it was their fifth wedding anniversary, it was important. Harry knows that he’s only going to get a sob story from Louis as soon as he arrives.

“I’m here…! I’m here…!” Louis shouts emphatically across the restaurant five minutes later as he zips between the other tables and diners to arrive at Harry’s side, the fellow patrons all turning round to stare. Recognition of who is making the ruckus filters through the crowd, so most turn back to their own meals and murmur quietly to each other. Louis leans down and kisses Harry quickly on the mouth before taking his seat opposite while attempting to fix the tie he’s clearly just put on within the last ten seconds.

“For someone that can move as fast as you, I still cannot fathom how you can be so late all the time.”

“I know babe, I’m sorry, but you know how it is,” Louis replies, shirking his heavy jacket off and twisting to place it on the back of his chair behind him. His shirt is crumpled. Harry wants to throttle him. “Bus full of kids needed saving.”

“Yes. I saw the news.” That was the problem with being married to a real life superhero, the general public usually knew what your husband was up to before you did.

“Well you wouldn’t want the children to perish all for the sake of a nice meal now would you darling?”

Harry doesn’t answer because Louis knows perfectly well that Harry wouldn’t want that, but that doesn’t make him any less frustrated unfortunately. He sucks his cheeks in and closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose between the thumb and forefinger of his left hand. “What were the two rules for tonight Louis?”

“Um…”

Harry reopens his eyes and glares at him.

Louis moves his cutlery nervously around on the table in front of him. “Don’t be late.”

“And…?”

“No spandex.”

“You’ve failed at both,” Harry confirms through gritted teeth.

“I didn’t!” Louis squawks, sitting up straight and attempting to smooth out the wrinkles of his outfit.

“Louis, I can see the blue and green of your costume from here!”

Louis’ hands shoot up to his neck to shove the clinging material further down and under the line of his shirt collar.

“Sorry baby. I’ll make it up to you I promise. I just didn’t want to be any later than I already was.”

“Whatever,” Harry waves a hand dismissively. “I want to try and enjoy the rest of the evening so lets forget about it.” He turns his attention to the open expanse of the restaurant and makes eye contact with a waiter, beckoning him with a polite wave of a finger and watches as he dutifully trots over.

“Yes sir, how can I-“ The gentleman’s face completely changes from apathetic to astonished when he clocks Louis. “My goodness! Captain Velocity, welcome! We were unaware you were dining with us tonight!”

“Oh, no need to cause a fuss, I’m just Louis tonight. It’s my anniversary with Harry here,” Louis says shyly, gesturing across the table. When his secret identity had been exposed three years ago, he had nearly given up on the whole gig, but the public outcry had forced him back into the field so to speak, on the agreement that if they saw Louis out of his hero garb, they were to leave him alone as best they could. Most people followed this, with the exception of the particularly fame hungry, or the snotty brown-nosers like this server.

The waiter nods at Harry, probably not giving a shit about him. In the beginning it used to make his skin prickle, but Harry was used to reaction now, so lets it go. The waiter turns his attention back to Louis. “Let us provide a bottle of our finest champagne with our compliments!” he sing songs as he bows like an idiot and scampers off, Louis attempting to call out to him to tell him it’s fine, thank you, but that he needn’t bother. Louis had never relished receiving preferential treatment, despite probably deserving it considering the amount of lives he had saved since his accident in the high school science laboratory that had altered his DNA to make him as fast as the speed of sound as well as incredibly strong. 

“So, how was your day darling?” Louis asks as he picks up the glass of wine that’s been sitting waiting for him for nearly forty minutes and brings it to his lips. Harry supposes at least it’s had time to breathe.

“Not bad. Finally sold that awful flat on Maybury Terrace.” Harry, a successful estate agent, didn’t need to work, now that Louis was paid handsomely out of the county’s police budget and they had been gifted a four bed detached house in a nice area by the city’s mayor, but he wasn’t comfortable with the thought of freeloading off Louis’ powers, so he kept working at the job he loved.

“That’s fantastic news, well done! Did you have to go much below the-“

Louis’ words are drowned by the loud shattering of glass to his right and they both look up to see the whole front of the restaurant being ripped away, before smoke begins to fog up the room. All the other customers and staff start screaming and running, hiding where they can, as a hovering figure clad head to toe in black and red, a cape billowing behind him and electricity sparking from his finger tips, floats through the room a metre above the floor before landing softly in front of their table. Harry slowly stands up out of his seat, coughing and waving his hand in front of his face.

An evil cackle fills the air, as does ominous music. “Captain Velocity, we meet again.”

Louis is already positioned in front of Harry before Harry can blink, having moved so fast out of his seat and stripped down to his fight-worthy apparel it was nothing but a blur, his hands up projecting a protective forcefield. Oh yeah, Louis can produce forcefields too. Crazy huh? “Artiste Maléfique, what are you doing here?” Louis asks loudly.

“I’m here to kill you of course!” He cackles again. “So you will be unable to thwart my plans to take over the world!”

“You will never kill me! I’m going to put an end to your diabolical schemes once and for all!” Louis bellows. Harry shakes his head in dismay. They really need to work on some new material.

“I’d like to see you-“

“STOOOOOOP!!!” Harry screams. Louis and the super-villain both turn to stare at Harry in shock. “This is absolutely _not_ happening!” he continues with his hands fisted at his sides.

“But I-“

“I don’t care Zayn, your plans for world domination will have to wait until tomorrow!” Harry turns to the people left in the room. “Everyone back in their seats right this instance!” The members of the public cowering in corners and hiding under tables all look up at him as if Harry is insane and don’t make any attempt to move. “And you, yes you, playing the violin, we don’t need the miscreant soundtrack anymore!” The musician nestled at the far end ceases playing immediately with a hideous screech of bow against string.

“Harry, you promised you’d call me by my proper title in public?” Zayn pouts through the little gap in his mask.

Harry frowns. He has no recollection of that conversation happening. “When?”

“You know, that time I strapped dynamite to your chest and left you unsupervised in an abandoned warehouse on the edge of the city?” Ah yes, it’s coming back to Harry now. That had been a rough Tuesday.

“Zayn, your super-villain name is ridiculous. You aren’t even French?”

“Yeah, but sounds better than in English though eh?” The moniker, meaning ‘evil artist’, stemmed from Zayn’s penchant to graffiti the scenes of his crimes as a warning to others.

“Well we also agreed that you would let me have Louis for at least Christmas, Valentine’s Day and our anniversary without you interfering.”

Harry can see his eyes widen in horror through the peepholes. “Shit, is that tonight?”

“Yes, it is. And you’re getting in the way,” he informs Zayn, his jaw clenched.

Zayn looks at his watch. “Oh damn, I’m sorry, but like, I have a schedule now, and corrupt henchman rota’d and that. I really need to crack on with killing my arch nemesis and overthrowing the government with my dastardly shenanigans.”

“No. I got my hair cut especially and bought a whole new outfit, which Captain ‘Too Fast’ over here was too slow to bloody notice,” Harry thumbs towards Louis,” I’ve also had these reservations for months _and_ I had to preorder the slow roasted lamb for two, so whatever you’re up to will have to wait. I am having my anniversary dinner with my husband tonight, and it will be romantic and disaster free, and afterwards we will be sleeping in the same bed for the whole night through. Do you hear me Zayn? THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS!” Zayn looks at Louis, and Louis simply shrugs and shakes his head, wordlessly telling Zayn that he’s not getting involved, he’s going to do what he’s told too.

Zayn returns his gaze to Harry and scratches at his chin, the leather of his outfit squeaking with the action. “I really must insist Harry, the wheels are already in motion.”

Enough is enough, time to pull out the big guns. Harry tugs his phone from his trousers with a deep exhale, his new plaid trousers he bought especially for tonight that make his arse look great, and unlocks it, quickly typing a message out and aggressively stabbing the send button with his index finger. He looks back at Zayn with a smug smile.

“What did you do?” Louis asks on behalf of himself and everyone in the room that’s watching the scene unfold intently.

Harry opens his mouth to answer, but is hindered by the The Imperial March being blasted out from somewhere. It’s coming from Zayn. Zayn pats down the skintight outfit with a frown before locating the device in a hidden pocket on his right hip. He pulls it out and looks at it, releasing a groan.

“You didn’t,” he mumbles.

“Of course I did,” Harry replies defiantly.

Zayn thumbs at the screen and brings it up to his ear, closing his eyes with a grimace. “Hi Liam… Yes sweetheart I am… Because I was hoping to kill him… Not really… But you said-… Yes but the nuclear warheads have-… Yes… Yes I understand… Uh, eight minutes on heat level two and stir… OK… Yup… OK… Yes I love you too…OK bye, bye.” He hangs up and replaces the phone to its original spot.

“I cannot believe you grassed me up to Liam.”

“Didn’t leave me much choice, did you?” Harry had met Liam, Zayn’s husband, at a S.O.V.A.S (Spouses Of Villains And Superheroes) mixer two years ago and hit it off. They met for dinner at least a couple of times a month now, usually when their husbands were distracted with trying and failing to murder each other in increasingly elaborate ways.

Zayn sighs and rolls his eyes. “Yeah but I’m gonna get in so much shit when I get home now.”

“Should have thought of that before you disrupted my gorgeous husband’s beautifully planned evening then eh?” Louis pipes up, hands firmly on his hips, willing Zayn to try and fight him on the matter.

Zayn must decide that it’s not worth the hassle. “Right well, the old ball and chain has indeed spoken, so I best be off.” Zayn rises of the ground smoothly and lifts his hands towards the ceiling, releasing bolts of lightening from the pads of his fingers that send plaster dust and broken tiles scattering to the floor. “Until next time Captain Velocity!” he roars menacingly and flies off through the gaping hole in the front of the building, Louis shaking his fist at his retreating figure in an over-the-top, boisterous fashion. It’ll look good for the videos taken on people’s phones when they appear all over social media within the hour.

Once it’s clear that Artiste Maléfique has gone for good and the smoke has almost evaporated, the patrons begin to mumble amongst themselves as they climb up and out from their hiding spots, brushing their clothes off. They make to leave but Harry shouts at them all to sit back down and continue their meals, which they do so probably out of nothing else but subdued, lingering fear.

“Sorry about that babe. I’m going to go and get properly changed and I’ll be right back I promise.” Louis kisses Harry’s cheek and disappears before Harry can even register the lips leaving his face. He sits back down with a sigh and looks out as the restaurant manager surveys the recent destruction. Harry knows it will be back to new within forty eight hours, the dedicated clean up squad the city employs being experts in a quick turn around given Zayn and Louis’ inclination to produce a great deal of mess whenever reunited in combat.

Louis takes ages. Like, a whole six and a half minutes which is an eon for him. When he returns, he’s panting.

“What took you so long?” Harry asks as he watches Louis settle back into his chair.

“Had to go home and iron this shirt.” He does look better than he did before, and the lack of a front wall is letting in a breeze, so the smart blazer he is now donning was a sensible idea.

“And?” Harry asks as he leans forward to pick a piece of glass out of Louis’ hair.

“There may have been a minor car crash I helped with on the way there,” Louis replies sheepishly.

Harry shakes his head with a grin. He can’t believe just how much he loves Louis sometimes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My only defence is I had just watched Spiderman: Into The Spiderverse when I wrote this hot mess. Thank you for reading. 
> 
> I have a Tumblr which is [here](http://runaway-train-works.tumblr.com) if you want to come say hello. The specific post for this fic is [here](http://runaway-train-works.tumblr.com/post/183428297625/screamin-at-my-face-baby-dont-trip-written-as) if you would like to be an absolute doll and give it a like or share.
> 
> Comments and feedback is welcomed and always responded to!


End file.
